"Bridging the observable and the infinite since the early Anthropocene."
Metaphysician · Thought Leader · Certified Ethereal Practitioner · Ontological Consultant · Diet Coke Enthusiast
← himynameisally.netA life devoted to asking questions nobody asked.
Dr. Ally Stone first encountered metaphysics at the age of seven, when she asked her mother, "But what IS cereal?" and was unsatisfied by the answer. This pivotal moment, which she refers to as "The Great Questioning," set her on a lifelong path of ontological inquiry and spiritual investigation.
Based in Des Moines, Iowa, a city she describes as "the energetic navel of North America," Dr. Stone has spent over a decade exploring the intersection of consciousness, reality, and whatever the vibe is. Her work has been described as "confusing but in a good way" and "surprisingly thorough for someone who got their degree online."
When not engaged in metaphysical practice, Dr. Stone can be found communing with carbonated beverages (Diet Coke, specifically, which she considers a "portal substance") and maintaining an Instagram account dedicated to vintage Santa Claus imagery, which she insists is "deeply related to her work."
First metaphysical experience: asked "what if colors look different to everyone?" at the dinner table, was told to eat her vegetables.
Began informal study of "vibes" as a legitimate epistemological framework.
Published first self-released pamphlet, "The Midwest as Liminal Space: A Theory."
Awarded Honorary Doctorate of Metaphysics from the Universal Life Church Institute of Metaphysical Sciences (online, open enrollment, tax deductible).
Coined the term "Quantum Coziness," a framework for understanding why certain blankets feel more meaningful than others.
Recognized by absolutely nobody as "one of Iowa's leading metaphysicians." Still claiming it anyway.
Peer-reviewed by at least one peer, sometimes two.
This paper examines the phenomenon of carbonated aspartame-based beverages as catalysts for higher consciousness. Through a rigorous three-week self-study involving 47 cans of Diet Coke, the author demonstrates a statistically insignificant but "definitely real" correlation between caffeine intake and moments of cosmic clarity. Peer reviewer noted: "This is not what we asked for."
Consciousness Studies Beverage Science Self-StudyAn investigation into the temporal distortion field created when Midwesterners attempt to leave a social gathering. The author proposes that the "doorway goodbye loop" represents a naturally occurring wormhole in social spacetime, where the act of saying goodbye creates a recursive obligation to say goodbye again. Fieldwork was conducted at three Iowa family reunions.
Social Metaphysics Temporal Studies Midwestern PhenomenaBuilding on the well-documented phenomenon of cats staring at "nothing," this paper argues that feline visual focus on empty corners represents perception of metaphysical entities imperceptible to the human eye. The study was limited by the subject's refusal to participate or acknowledge the researcher's existence.
Animal Consciousness Interdimensional TheoryThrough extensive fieldwork (driving past cornfields), the author catalogues the unique vibrational signature of the Iowa landscape and proposes that corn, as a sacred grain, functions as a natural antenna for cosmic energy. Appendix includes a map of "high-vibe zones" along Interstate 80.
Etheric Geography Agricultural Mysticism Iowa StudiesThe author proposes the first comprehensive classification system for "bad vibes," organizing them into seven distinct categories: Ambient Dread, Retroactive Cringe, Anticipatory Ick, Spatial Wrongness, Interpersonal Static, Digital Malaise, and That One Drawer in the Kitchen. The framework has been adopted by zero institutions.
Vibe Theory Classification SystemsA bold defense of "gut feelings" as a legitimate epistemological tool, arguing that the solar plexus is, in fact, a secondary brain that Western science has willfully ignored. Includes a forward by the author's mother, who writes: "I'm very proud of Ally and I think this is nice."
Epistemology Intuition Studies Maternal EndorsementBringing metaphysical wisdom to rooms of varying sizes.
A 45-minute exploration of fundamental ontological questions, followed by a 20-minute Q&A that will likely become an existential crisis support group. Light refreshments provided. Diet Coke available upon request.
UpcomingAn interactive workshop on developing your metaphysical perception of spatial energy. Participants will learn to identify "zones of spiritual density" in conference rooms, Targets, and Cracker Barrels. Bring a notebook and an open third eye.
UpcomingCo-panelist with three other honorary doctorate holders. Discussion became unexpectedly heated over whether astrology counts as metaphysics. Dr. Stone's position: "Honestly, at this point, what doesn't?"
PastDelivered to an audience of 11 people, 4 of whom were there for the pottery class next door. Despite the modest turnout, Dr. Stone describes it as "one of the most energetically significant gatherings I've ever addressed."
PastA proposed 18-minute talk on how recommendation algorithms mirror the soul's journey through karmic cycles. Application acknowledgment email received. Follow-up emails have gone unanswered. "They're just not ready for it," says Dr. Stone.
PendingAn impromptu 25-minute lecture delivered to family members who did not ask for it. Explored Santa Claus as a Jungian archetype representing unconditional generosity and omniscient surveillance. Mixed reviews from the audience. Nephew requested she "stop talking."
PastWhat people have said, allegedly.
Dr. Stone's work on the vibrational frequency of corn fundamentally changed the way I drive through Iowa. I now roll down my windows on I-80 and I swear I feel something. Could be the wind. Could be the universe. Either way, I'm grateful.
Retired Teacher & Frequent I-80 Driver
She told me my aura was "mostly beige with moments of teal" and honestly? That tracks. I've never felt so seen and also so neutral.
IT Consultant, Des Moines
I don't really understand what metaphysics is but Ally explained it to me for about forty minutes at Thanksgiving and she seemed very passionate about it so that's nice. We're all very proud of her. She's very smart. Is this going on a website?
Dr. Stone's Mother
Dr. Stone once described my office as having "the energy of a waiting room in purgatory" and then suggested I buy a plant. I bought the plant. The office does feel different. I cannot confirm it's metaphysics and not just the plant.
Regional Manager, Unspecified Company
She keeps calling herself a doctor. At family dinners. In her email signature. I told her it's an honorary degree from an online church. She said, "The universe doesn't distinguish between honorary and earned." I don't have a response to that.
Dr. Stone's Brother
I hired Dr. Stone to do a metaphysical audit of my small business. She walked around for about two hours, pointed at a corner, and said "that's where the energy is stuck." We moved the copier. Sales are the same but morale is up. 4 out of 5 stars.
Owner, Pat's Flowers & Gifts
A collection of achievements, both recognized and self-awarded.
Conferred by the Universal Life Church Institute of Metaphysical Sciences. Completed a rigorous 6-week online curriculum covering "the nature of reality, probably." Thesis title: "Being and Nothingness but Make It Midwest."
Awarded 2019
Certified through the International Board of Ethereal Studies (established 2017, Sedona, AZ). This certification authorizes Dr. Stone to officially describe things as "giving off a certain energy." Renewed annually for $45.
Certified 2020
Completed the Quantum Healing Practitioner Program, which involved watching 14 hours of YouTube videos and writing a reflection essay. Dr. Stone finished the program in a single weekend, which she describes as "a quantum leap in itself."
Certified 2021
Trained in the visual and intuitive assessment of bioelectric fields (auras). Can identify up to 12 aura colors, including "brownish gold" and "that weird green." Has not yet achieved Level III, which requires seeing auras in complete darkness, "but I'm working on it."
Achieved 2022
Invited to join after attending three consecutive meetups at Panera Bread. Fellowship benefits include: access to the group's Facebook page and a 10% discount at the downtown crystal shop (expired).
Since 2023
In a private ceremony attended by herself and her boyfriend Gerry (who was on his phone), Dr. Stone recognized her own contributions to the field. "If the universe won't give me an award, I'll give myself one," she stated. "That's literally what manifestation is."
Awarded 2024
The universe brought you here. Now send an email.
For metaphysical consultations, speaking inquiries, aura readings, or general ontological questions, please reach out via the main site:
himynameisally.netA 15-minute assessment of your current energetic situation. Dr. Stone will tell you what vibe you're giving off and whether you should be concerned.
COMPLIMENTARY
Dr. Stone will walk through your home or office and identify areas of "energetic congestion." Recommendations may include: moving furniture, buying plants, or "just opening a window, honestly."
SLIDING SCALE
A comprehensive review of your relationship with existence itself. Includes: aura reading, vibe check, and a 30-minute discussion about "what even matters." Tissues provided.
INQUIRE WITHIN